Good Bad
Maximum Overdrive 1986 d: Stephen King
Bloodbeat 1983 d: Fabrice A. Zaphiratos
Happy Birthday to Me 1981 d: J. Lee Thompson
Night of the Lepus 1972 d: William F. Claxton
Mystics in Bali 1981 d: H. Tjut Djalil
Things 1989 d: Andrew Jordan
There is one reason Maximum Overdrive is the way it is: drugs. Stephen King himself explained: “The problem with that film is that I was coked out of my mind all through its production, and I really didn’t know what I was doing.” Honest, that. This was his only attempt at directing, and you can see why (not just see, it will be blazened on your brain). This is also AC/DC’s only attempt at a movie score, apparently they were scarred for life. The waitress has this one line - I don’t want to spoil it, but she screams it to the sky and it is GLORIOUS. (PS My fave How Did This Get Made covered this one, always funny).
Bloodbeat is a classic romantic tale - a girl goes to her boyfriend’s family’s house in rural Wisconsin only to be possessed by the spirit of a Samurai warrior. While this is technically set at Christmas, that is 100% irrelevant. Like Maximum Overdrive, the special sauce for this production was drugs. Writer/Director Zaphiratos explained he was under the influence during some of the writing, and that the title was a reference to the feeling of being high. Honestly, ol’ Zaph seems like fun - in the same interview, he asks himself, “Why a samurai?” and answers, “Why not?” I’d really recommend watching this with subtitles on, because you will get the magnificent descriptive caption, “mystical boinging.”
When you’re watching Happy Birthday to Me, you might find yourself thinking, “I don’t think that ending makes any sense,” and you’d be right! Deep into production, they changed the main twist, but didn’t bother rewriting or refilming any of the proceeding material that no longer fit. So bold. This is a confusing watch, but a mesmerizing one.
Night of the Lepus inexplicably stars Janet Leigh (yep, “Psycho” Janet Leigh), and a stacked cast. If you trust me, you should just watch this movie without any context, wait for the monsters to arrive, and have your mind blown. If you need a little more to go on….the monsters are bunnies. They’re bunnies. Everything is played incredibly straight, but the monsters are regular, cute bunnies that either tear apart very unconvincing miniatures or are superimposed on scenes to make it look like they are giants.
If you take a good look at the poster for Mystics in Bali, you can tell why it’s earned cult notoriety. Yes, that is a floating head with organs and entrails still attached. This is based on spirits from Balinese/Malay folklore (the Leyak or Penanngalan), which theoretically could be terrifying, but the effects make for a hypnotically hilarious figure. My fave behind-the-scenes tidbit is that the star of the show, American (or Australian depending on the version you’re watching lol) Cathy, was just a random German tourist visiting Bali. That’s my kind of vacation.
And we’re ending with Things. I wondered if I should even include this, because it’s not a very accessible watch. By which I mean - this movie makes Troll 2’s cinematography look Oscar-worthy. And it’s not just the cinematography, by every technical measure this movie is garbage. Normally, I don’t like to just copy/paste quotes from critics, but this movie is so bad, the contortions writers use just to describe it are goddamn poetry:
“Well, I’ve stared at the unforgiving blankness of my computer screen long enough. I must proceed; there is nowhere to go but onwards, tackling (and trying to grasp) one of the most profound, odd, galaxy brain takes in horror cinema: Things” - Scott Drebit
“I'm not sure Things can be reviewed. It sits so far outside of anything that I've ever seen that it may be critically unassailable” - J Hurtado
“So, you like bad movies, you say? Watch Things. You’ll be on the floor writhing in agony less than halfway through, pleading for mercy. Your hand will struggle for the remote, fruitlessly attempting to turn the damn thing off, and yet, for some strange reason, you won’t be able. Like slowing down to gawk at a horrific automobile accident, you’ll remain bizarrely compelled to continue watching as your brain slowly oozes out your ears and melts onto the sofa” - Jeff Kirschner
““Things” is like a rancid onion that reveals new layers of stink each time you dare to take a bite. It’s so terrible I can’t think of another movie that even comes close.” - Will Pfeiffer
“My friends, this is the worst movie ever made. I don’t mean like the way Troma makes bad movies. I’m talking about bad with the best of intentions, like all of the best “bad” movies. You like tormenting yourself with hilariously trashy, moronic, gory, IDIOTIC bad films??THINGS is the fucking KING of bad movies. This is the movie you put on when you have a get together of pals — and just blow them away. Trust me, you have never seen anything like this in your life. It’s absolutely astonishing in how it is able to MENTALLY WRECK anyone who watches it.” - B&S About Movies
So, yes. That is what awaits you if you decide to watch. It is...not for the faint of heart.
(P.S. If you know you like bad movies, then you’ve probably already seen the Big Three: Troll 2, Manos: The Hands of Fate, and Plan 9 From Outer Space. But on the off-chance that you haven’t, what are you waiting for???)